Sunday, September 25, 2011


-Children still love the Old Farmer's Almanac. I was about Danny's age when I was given one, and it became a yearly ritual until I was about ten. For some reason, I forgot about the almanac-until today.

-Children's coats cost less than similar ones for adults. Thanks to the "childhood obesity epidemic", I can buy a coat for twenty dollars, and the sleeves don't need to be shortened. Thank you fizzy drink makers!

- See above, but replace with obnoxious, purple jewel toned, flare-leg corduroys. Those were nine dollars. Levi's.

-Lest I should start thinking I'm thin or something, I took a look around on line at height-weight charts. At 5'2" and 119 pounds, I'm on the high end of normal. How positively depressing is that? I did find some foreign charts that were more forgiving-I'd be on the skinny side in Britain. Ideally, I'm supposed to weigh between 99-108 lbs. Yeah, that isn't ever going to happen. Thank god for chubby kids though-I'd never be able to afford new clothes otherwise.

-Our well water smells like beef stock. I have no idea why. I suppose this is better than the sulfur/rotten egg smell some wells get, but sometimes I catch a whiff of my clothing and think, "That's no way for a vegetarian to be smelling."

-As for how I should smell, I bought a tin of Yardley Violet talc. Now I can smell like those C. Howard violet candies. And beef stock. There's probably a Nebraska joke in there.

-I bought a new bra, and it makes squeaking/crackling noises when I move my shoulders. The straps are quite stiff, and the noise is really noticeable. I wonder what the hell people must think. It is a really nice bra, so I guess I'll put up with the sound effects. Wait...there it went again! Did you hear it?

-Frogs can find water in a strange place, in the dark. Danny had a captured frog in his netted case that was due to be set free the following morning. Somehow, he managed to get out in the night and hop, in the dark, three rooms away, and around corners to the bathtub. Consider me impressed. We set him free. He looked annoyed.

-The spiders. You could stick a saddle on them, and ride them to town. I'm not squeamish about spiders, but come on-big, hairy spiders making "I'm going to bite you" eyes at me. After that last bite that had me in bed for a week seriously ill, I'm less sympathetic to them.
"Danny, Danny! Look, the spider has a runny nose, grab me a tissue...oh crap, I smooshed him." Funny, the kid doesn't like my help wiping his nose.

-When I want to irritate Danny, I pretend to believe in witchcraft:

Danny: The weather is going to be warmer again this week.
Me: Oh, that's just because of the woman across the street with the long hair.
Danny: She's not a witch.
Me: People still get tried for witchcraft in some places.
Danny: Well, witchcraft is an impossible crime.
Me: Well, I dunno...who told you that?
Danny: My mother the anthropologist.
I've seen a cow sleeping in her doorway, and she has long hair...
Danny: (frustrated, waving his hands) Oh, mother!

the child wants to be a fish for Halloween (he's suddenly decided he wants a costume after all). No, not Nemo, or something simple. He wants to be a "Lake Superior Rainbow Trout." In other words, he's going as a Canadian. I have foam board, coloured shimmery mylar and foil, and about a month. I'm picturing a sandwich board so he can still walk. Maybe gills sewn onto a hat. Helpful ideas are more than welcome if you have any.

I hope everyone has a great week.

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