Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Funny, I Just Call it, "Making a Cup of Coffee"

The morning newspaper tells me that people who measure their coffee, grind their own beans, and then put it through a pot like a French press are, "Home Brewists." Yes, of course they are, because they're Home Brewing, not just pouring boiling water over grounds like some sort of uncultured vulgarian.

Oh dear. If people are that obsessive in other aspects of their lives we encourage them to seek therapy, here we're just...encouraging them. Just as well, if the state began sectioning people for being douchebags our taxes would skyrocket to pay for it...because there are a whole hell of a lot of douchebags at large.

Was that a rant? Oh my, I think it was.

I believe there is a right way (mine) and a wrong way (everyone else's) to do things, and I don't doubt that some coffee tastes better when given a bit more attention than being tossed in a pot with some boiling water-but so what? Should you warm a teapot before making a pot of tea? Yes, you should, but hot water tossed over a teabag will do for most purposes. Must everything be an exercise in perfection? I bake bread, but I have never weighed my ingredients, used hydration percentages, or taken the temperature of my sourdough starter. I bake bread, I don't turn my kitchen into a food science lab-and I certainly don't get all pretentious about what others do in their kitchens.

Yes, this is definitely a rant-stick with me people, just a bit longer.

I just love the assumption that because I don't go to the absurd lengths others do with respect to coffee, tea, bread or whatever else people are obsessed with at the moment-that I'm ignorant. Oh, I would just fall all over my coffee press if I could just taste coffee made, "properly." I don't think so. I've lived through percolators in the 60's, cold drip coffee makers in the 70's, Melita cups in the 80's, French presses in the 90's, and have come full circle to a pint jar of water and 1/3 cup ground coffee left to soak overnight. I strain it into a pot in the morning. Classy, eh? I like it, but I wouldn't turn my nose up at a cup of instant if someone offered it because (take note douchebags, this part is important) someone is offering you a cup of coffee (or anything else). You know, hospitality. Your role in this (again, pay attention here) isn't to go into a detailed description of how you prepare yours. Your part isn't to question the source of beans. Your part is to act like a normal human being for a few minutes, and graciously accept what is being offered. 

Hang in there kids, I'm almost through.

Home brewing is already taken by the beer people, and frankly they've had the phrase so long I think it only right we let them retain the rights to it. What you are doing, is making coffee. A person making coffee at home is not called a brewist, they are called, a person making coffee.

Janice? Are you here hon? I'm going to need your help shouting...

GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN! You damn home-brewing brewist kids with your French presses and funny electronic cigarettes.


Autumn said...


One of my children is one of those people. I called her a coffee snob. No coffee that we located in the state of Missouri was up to her standards.

I, on the other hand, have been using a plug-in percolator for the past year. Best $1.50 I ever spent. :)

Janice said...

I have been known to actually use a napkin from a fast food joint as a coffee filter. No snobbery here, my days are better spent sniffing my clothes to make sure they are clean.

I'm a real person with normal day to day.

I would gladly sit down with a cup of instant Sanka or Folgers. Sitting down and drinking coffee, now that's the real luxury experience!

pastcaring said...

I am so far from being a coffe snob, I don't even know what most of this means... I'll gladly accept a cup of coffee from you, love, no matter how you make it! xxx

Northern mum down South said...

White, no sugar thanks - I am also secretly hoping to be offered some of your homemade cake to go with whatever coffee you are serving me . . .

Goody said...

OK, everybody cake and coffee at my house! Bring your own vintage mug.

Propagatrix said...

Melitta here, because coffeemakers take up valuable counter space. Also, the husband hates cold coffee and prefers to make it one cup at a time. My favorite mug is labeled "COFFEE BREAK" and has a removable lid that's meant to double as an ashtray.