Friday, May 23, 2014

I Look Like the Person You Don't Want to Queue Behind

This suit is code for, "She has a million expired coupons, and is paying in small change." You know it is. What's more, I have a beaded change purse to hold all the pennies.
But don't worry, I'm not buying much. A few bananas, a box of Rye Krisp, maybe some Potsum. Sure, I called you complaining I have no food in the house, so you drove across town to take me shopping, but now that we're here, I've lost my appetite. Don't worry darling, I'll be fine. I know you're busy. Why don't you call? Mildred's children call every day. Sometimes twice.
These bananas are too expensive. Who do they think they are? I'll tell you who they are, they're thieves! Imagine, charging that for something a monkey can eat from a tree for nothing. We should go to the greengrocer. He's a thief too, but not like these people. Dollface? What do you say we swing by the greengrocer for bananas? I'm on a fixed income-I can't afford these. Oh no, I don't want charity! I can pay for them, I just hate giving them my pension when the greengrocer is cheaper. What do you say dollface? Good then, we'll go.
Dearheart? Wait a while, let me think...if we're going to the greengrocer could we swing by the butcher for some cold cuts? His are better, and he doesn't leave his finger on the scale like these thieving bastards. I know Dearheart, you can't trust anyone these days. Wait doll, I have a coupon for that packet of Rye Krisp (searches through alphabetical coupon organiser). Here Doll, fifteen cents. I knew I had it. Oh no, you only get the coupon if you buy two. Rye is good for your bowels dollface, you should buy a box so we can get the fifteen cents.
Do you know why your grandfather married me? Because he took me to dinner and I ate my meal. Girls didn't do that, because they wanted to look mannerly. He liked a girl that knew the value of money and didn't waste. Dollface, I had butter in tins during the war that I saved and was still using when rationing ended. It was still as fresh as the day it was tinned. You can't use everything you have. Save it for later, that's my motto! Do you know that if you buy a pint carton of ice cream you can serve a dozen people from it if you use a cheese slicer to cut it?  Don't scoop ice cream, slice it and serve it on a plate, no one will know they're getting less-trust me. No one ever left my kitchen hungry. Now? Now I can't feed myself at these prices. Dearheart? Can we stop by the bakery after the greengrocer and butcher?
You're such a doll picking me up and taking me out. You should come over more often, or call. You could call. Mildred's children call all the time-sometimes thrice daily! Dearie, can we stop at the lunch counter and get a pot of hot water? No, no, I don't need tea, I have this morning's bag right here (rummages in purse). See? I know the value of money. Imagine, tossing out a perfectly good tea bag after one or two uses. Doll, do you use sugar in your tea? You do? Good. I've been saving these (pulls gigantic bag of sugar packets from handbag) they leave them out free on tables, they expect you to take them. I have salt and pepper and tomato ketchup at home if you want those too. Dearie, I meant to tell you, when I ring, don't pick up on the first jingle. I'll hang-up right away, then you'll know it is me and you can call me back. Dolly dearie, it is a toll call, you don't want me to pay for that. You could of course, just call me. Do you know Mildred?

Don't slouch dollface, you'll never find a husband if you're round-shouldered. Your nails are a fright. We could go get manicures! Dollface, your nails are a fright. Come on dollface, we'll get you all fixed up after we go to the greengrocer, the butcher, and the bakery. Mildred's daughter took her to the new tea room by the train station last week. She said it was nice, though somewhat Spartan as you have to serve yourself from urns at the buffet table. I don't mind serving myself. Dearheart do you like cucumber? Oh, we used that tinned butter from wartime on some cucumber sandwiches and do you know what? It was as fresh as the day it was tinned! Those thieving bastards charging what they do these days for butter! It is a wonder we can afford anything but oleo.

Dollface? Give us some good-luck money, and I'll buy a lottery ticket. Someone has to win! We should have waited until tomorrow to shop, they give samples on Saturday. You can have a fine meal if you save the cracker packets and use it with the sausage samples. You don't know what rationing was like. We didn't just eat when we wanted to. Save for later, that's my motto. Why I was still using that tinned butter from the war after rationing ended and do you know what dollface? It was as fresh as the day it was tinned.

I have had all of these exchanges at one point or another with female members of my family.
...and they were all dressed like this!

Don't say I didn't warn you. Switch queues. You'll thank me.

Outfit Particulars:
All you need to know is this is a genuine 1970's polyester Marty Gutmacher summer suit. Yes, it is gigantic on me-I don't care. Look at this thing! Look! I put this suit on, and channeled my mother, grandmother, both great aunts, and the housekeeper in her Sunday best-in one swoop. Except Ella Mae would have added a hat, because she was going to church. This may be my favourite thrifted find, ever.


Connie said...

Oh Goodie. You are so great!!! I just feel like I spent the day with my dear departed mother-in-law. I did love her but she was exhausting. Wheh! I was so distracted by this brilliant reenactment that I almost didn't notice how fabulous this outfit is and how amazing you look in it. Too big? Really? Your earrings are beautiful.

Propagatrix said...

You are apparently possessed by my sixth-grade teacher, my Grandma Jean, and my mother-in-law (who is almost the same age as my grandparents, since I married an old guy). Grandma Jean used to drink the little coffee creamers straight. Toward the end of her life, she also took to ordering off the children's menu. "Oh, I can't eat something the size of what you're getting, honey. I don't need all that."

Goody said...

I'm getting the sense it wasn't just a family gene, and that this behavior is perhaps a universal. Good, I have something to look forward to.