Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Reek-O Award for the Worst Perfume I've Smelled in Years

...and the winner is, Vera Bradley Appleberry Champagne.
I thought nothing could smell worse than Celine Dion's namesake fragrance. I was mistaken. Meet Vera Bradley's Appleberry Champagne. Appleberry isn't a word, and this fragrance doesn't smell of champagne. It doesn't even smell of bargain Cold Duck. It smells like Boone's Farm, but only after a teenager has barfed it all over your lawn on their way home from a night of underage drinking at someone's house while their parents were out of town, 
I'd rather splash on some Boone's Farm than risk inhaling the caustic mess that is Vera Bradley Appleberry Champagne. I knew in the first five seconds after spraying it would be a scrubber, but I wanted to do a fair review so I resisted. I made it all of ten minutes, but by then my lungs were burning, and I thought I might need to avail myself of a few puffs off an Albuterol inhaler. I have seasonal allergies that can very rarely escalate to breathing problems, but no pollen has ever triggered such a rapid onset of wheezing as this shit did. I did one small spray on my wrist. One. It took several lathers with Pears soap (my secret weapon for neutralising terrible perfume) before it was (mostly) gone. Oh my god, I don't possess the vocabulary to articulate how thoroughly disgusting this fragrance is. What's worse, it is also available as a scented candle. I've stopped asking myself, "Why?" long ago with respect to fragrances, but this one really confuses me. How it ever escaped the lab, much less made it to market where people handed over honest-to-god-real money for it...well I'm sorry, I can't comprehend it. Burn this noxious shit as a candle, in a closed space? Perhaps if you were training for the Special Forces and wanted to acclimate your lungs to chemical warfare. It occurs to me that Appleberry Champagne would make one hell of an effective self-defence spray. Mace and pepper spray got nothin' on Appleberry Champagne. 

Notes? Are you serious? There's a fake, chemical green apple note followed by cheap alcohol and something woody-probably the pencil shavings the school janitor would toss down on the ground when he'd be called to sweep up vomit in the classroom after Billy got sick from the bus ride to school. The effect is sharp, piercingly so. There's nothing pleasant here, only pain and suffering. Vera Bradley Appleberry (not a word) Champagne isn't even trying to be good or at the very least wearable. No, this is the worst thing I've smelled in years-possibly ever.
The bottle is pretty though, like a quilted Vera Bradley handbag. So why the hell would you fill it with THIS?!

Sorry, lost my composure there for a moment. I can't imagine any circumstances where I'd be willing to spray this awful stuff on my person ever again. As I don't want to expose any other unsuspecting person to Appleberry Champagne, I'm binning it. I have a feeling even the landfill will reject the unholy substance, and as the saying goes, the Devil won't have it in hell for fear it will take over. 

Wear at your own risk-I warned you. 


15 comments:

Mim said...

Did you buy this, or just have a squirt from a tester at the drugstore?

I'm genuinely intrigued as to how something can be so bad and make it onto the shelves.

Miss Magpie said...

Gold star review. You made me snort and choke on my mug of tea.

Goody said...

@Mim
It was a blind buy from the thrift store, so at least I'm only out a dollar. Someone bought it full price-and then gave it away.

@Miss Magpie
Thank you. I smell the awful things so you don't need to.

Anonymous said...

I am just dying to look for it at Macy's and have a quick spray ( maybe on a kleenex) just to see/sniff. You made me laugh aloud with this review. JanF

Vix said...

That was a brilliant review. Yuk! xxx

Bibi Maizoon said...

"The effect is sharp, piercingly so."
And this is from a lady that loves hefty doses of oakmoss!
I thought this was one oh those appletini things that was popular when Be Delicious & SJP's Lovely were popular- but it's NEW from 2016! I bet somebody received it as a gift & donated it.
I have never smelled a perfume that listed champagne as a note that smelled even remotely like champagne.
Fake fruity stuff that smells like Jolly Ranchers ain't for me either.
someone on Fragrantica compared the stench to 'boar taint.'
Ew.

Polyester Princess said...

I read your post on the bus, and got a couple of odd looks, as I was laughing so much. Brilliant stuff. Your writing, not the Appleberry (not a word) thing, obviously! xxx

Beth Waltz said...

"The effect is sharp, piercingly so." reminds me of a line from the Blossom Dearie song/act: "Somebody is Sending Me Flowers" (I wonder who it could be...The cactus corsage touched me deeply...")

Being compared to the late, great Blossom is a high compliment, coming from me, Goody. This review belongs in a collection by Dorothy Parker!

Veronica Cooke said...

Oh dear! Not a nice smell then I take it. I don't see why the manufacturers would want a perfume with Champagne in its name! What next - Eau De Guiness or Pale Ale summer spray?

One to be avoided for sure!

Goody said...

@Jan I would NOT spray it on my person! I warned you ;)

@Vix
Thank you. I like to think I'm providing a public service warning people away from the stuff.

@Bibi
Well...I don't have any experience with boar taint (thank goodness) but I'm kinda getting an idea what it might smell like now. I swear this stuff was physically painful to smell.

@Ann
The perils of blog reading on the bus.

@Beth
I hadn't noticed what I'd done there until you and Bibi pointed it out. *face palm*

@Veronica
I'd wear Eau de Guiness if they made one! It could go gourmand with a chocolate note. Mmmm, stout and chocolate.

ThriftyParka said...

Haha! Best.Perfume.Review.Ever. Unneeded that laugh. These contractors are wearing down on my goodwill for humanity.

Happy thrifting ;)

Radostin said...

I'm not a perfume person at all, but I love reading your reviews, such lovely writing. This one was hilarious.

Goody said...

@Thrifty Parka
Maybe if you spray some Appleberry Champagne around the building they'll speed up their work.

@Radostin
Thank you. I suppose some of these reviews would be enough to put you off perfume if you weren't already.

Melanie Folly Bird said...

Crikey, this sounds a delight! I'll just stick to my jasmine based perfumes and make everyone gag because it's so heady!

Goody said...

@Melanie
Might be my anosmia speaking but I would think tuberose would induce gagging worse than jasmine.