I Was Just Thinking It Had Been A While Since Anyone Tried To Get Me To Join A Cult

I knew something was up* when not one, but three women armed with literature approached me as I went for a grocery carriage. Maybe it was the identical, pastel pedal pushers that tipped me off, but within twenty seconds I knew it was a cult-they might as well have handed me a flower. Actually, the Krishna folks seem a lot less vacant in comparison. I always had a soft spot for Harres and Moonies and the like-I didn't want to join them, but I have to admire their persistence.

Within a couple of minutes I really became creeped-out. I'm not kidding about the vacant thing-I've met people doped to the hilt on anti-depressants and tranquilisers that were more animated than that trio was. It was like someone physically went into their brains and removed their personalities. I realise it is difficult to describe if you haven't encountered it, but it is extremely unsettling when you do.

I looked at their website briefly when I got home and though it isn't immediately obvious that it is anything more than a mother's group, it only took a few clicks of the mouse to confirm my suspicions. I'm not naming the group because I don't want a bunch of them here via web searches.

I really have to wonder how they presented their organisation to Hy-Vee? Would they be permitted to stand in the vestibule handing out literature and engaging shoppers in conversation if they were recruiting for say, The Omaha Branch of Secular Humanist Marxist Theorist Formula-Feeding-Mothers With Small Children Club? (How awesome would THAT be? I'd totally join). I sort of think not. Call me old fashioned, but I like disclosure when it comes to cult recruiting. You know, the old "If you don't have anything to hide..." They could at least hand out flowers or something.


*I really knew something was wrong the minute they approached me because mothers almost never approach me. In the past year, I've developed weakness on one side of my body. It isn't a big deal, but I kind of lean a bit to the left (yeah, yeah, go ahead and make a political joke) and sometimes I stumble a bit. Add in the dropping stuff, my voice becoming softer, and the miserable red rash across my cheeks and nose from Lupus and at first glance, sometimes I look drunk. I actually thought about marketing t-shirts on the internet to the effect of "I don't have slowly progressing degeneration( and you could personalise it for whatever disease you have) ...I'm Drunk!" but most people don't share my sense of humour and the way people are so freaking literal around here, they'd probably think I was serious. More than once I've been on the playground with Danny and some mother has swooped-in to pull her child away from us. Anyway, I KNEW that I wasn't being approached to join their mommy group because I looked like I'd fit in. I'm far too dark for that anyway. At least they didn't tell me to "Go back where you came from", which was nice. Cults tend to be all over the multiculturalism thing. They're very inclusive.

So heads up on the Kool Aid mummies and their recruitment campaign.