Apple ( Abomination) Delight "Salad"

As promised, here's the Midwestern horror of a "salad". What I hate to admit, (really) is that it actually tastes good. I mean, for a few tablespoons-you can't really eat more than that. I keep thinking I ought to add some really dreadful artificial food colouring to it, or a packet of Jell-O. There's something missing...something from the dark place in my memory called, "Illinois, 1974." Maybe I just need a Schlitz to fully appreciate the picnic aspect of it. I think we all know, if this were really authentic, it would have half a jar of Miracle Whip in it. Mind if I ask you a question? Do these knit Gauchos make me look fat? Yeah, I was kind of afraid they might. I was gonna get the matching vest, but I thought it might be overkill, and I needed my money for a new bottle of Aqua Net.

I'm pretty sure you won't want to make this (though if you're a local reader, and you want some, I have plenty to share) but here's the recipe, adapted from an old Amish cookbook:

You Will Need:

2 large apples, pared, cored and diced
1/2 cup chopped celery
1 cup raisins
1 cup pineapple tidbits, drained
About 10 chopped maraschino cherries
1 cup mini marshmallows (a true Midwesterner would have known to get the multi- coloured ones)

Dressing:

1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 cup water
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup cream
1 teaspoon vanilla

Finishing:

2 cups heavy cream, whipped

Combine fruits etc. in a bowl and set aside. In a saucepan, combine everything in the sauce except vanilla. Cook over medium heat, whisking until it comes to a boil. Cook until slightly thickened (about 1 minute). Remove from heat, whisk in vanilla and cool. When cool, mix into salad. Whip cream, and fold into salad, and dressing mixture. Serve well-chilled with a can of Schlitz, or tater-tot casserole.