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Friday, April 18, 2008

Speaking Of The Dutch And Cheese...

A story from The Collected Works Of Mama Magruder.


This is the story of how the Hoooode Oooode Gooode Cheese (That's Gouda to those in the know) came to America. You see, for many years Americans were unaware of the delights of Hoooode Oooode Gooode Cheese, that is until two cheese makers named Hugo and Pieter decided to send some. One day, Hugo said to Pieter:

"Jah, let us put on our wooden shoes and clop over to the windmill to make Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese so we can send it to America for people to enjoy." Said Pieter.
"Jah, good idea Hugo."

And so they put on their wooden shoes (for everyone in Holland wears wooden shoes) and Clop-Clop-Clop, walked over to their windmill where they made cheese. It was an old windmill, and when they opened the huge wooden door it made a terrific "squeak", that was really more of a groan. Pieter and Hugo removed their wooden shoes at the door as they had seen the Japanese do when they visited Japan (except of course the Japanese worse soft shoes, not wooden ones) and set about making the Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese to send to America.

First, Hugo boiled a huge vat of milk. Then, Pieter added the cultures. With a huge curd knife that was really an old battle sword, they took turns cutting the curds, for that was tiring work. Then, Hugo poured the curdled milk into cheesecloth and they hoisted it way, way, way up to the very top of the windmill's ceiling and let it drip. When it had drained, they lowered the cheese, placed it in a press and then Hugo melted some bright red paraffin wax and coated the cheese.

Said Pieter:

"Goodnight, little Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese. We be back in three months to see if you are stinky enough to send to America."

And so they returned to their little cottage to watch The Price Is Right on their satellite dish. Hugo had a wall calendar featuring milkmaids that wasn't exactly exploitive but probably not in line with contemporary Dutch milkmaid reality. Nonetheless, he took a bright red marker and drew a happy face on the first day December as a reminder to check on the sleeping Hoooode Oooode Goode cheese.

A few months later, Hugo and Pieter were watching The Price Is Right, and Hugo got up to use the water closet. On the way, he passed the calendar and noticed the bright red happy face and yelled to Pieter in the next room:

"Jah, Pieter! Today we must check the Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese to see if it is stinky enough to send to America."

And so they did. First, the put on their wooden shoes. Clop-Clop-Clop they went, out to the windmill. "Squeak", went the gigantic wooden door, and off came their shoes in the doorway.

"Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese, it is us-the cheese makers Pieter and Hugo. We have come to check on your stinkiness. Are you stinky?"

Pieter leaned into the room where the brightly wrapped cheese lay sleeping. He sniffed deeply "sniiiiiiiiif"

"Nope. Not stinky enough. Go back to sleep Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese-we see you in another three months."

Three months passed, and now Pieter and Hugo were at home watching re-runs of Sex And The City when Pieter said to Hugo:

"Jah, we should go check the Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese."

And so they did. They put on their wooden shoes and clop-clop-clop, out to the windmill they went. They opened the great wooden door, "squeak", and removed their shoes inside. Hugo stuck his nose into the Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese's room and asked:

"Are you stinky?"

And it was. Oh, it was so very stinky. This made the cheese makers Pieter and Hugo very happy, for now the Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese was ready to ship to America. Pieter went to his small desk in the corner of the windmill and took a large quill that he dipped in an inkwell. On a sticky label he drew a picture of a windmill and the words:

Hoooode Oooode Gooode cheese from Holland, with hugs and kisses from the cheese makers. Pieter took the label and slapped it on the wheel of cheese in bright red wax and took it to the post office to send to America.

One day, Danny's mama was shopping in the Hy-Vee grocery store on Q Street in West Omaha. Danny needed to use the bathroom, which was unfortunate as the bathroom at the Q Street Hy-Vee in West Omaha, Nebraska is the loudest bathroom in the entire world. It's true, ask anyone. What's worse, the loud flush is amplified by the tiled floors and high ceilings. Oh, it is a ferociously loud bathroom-but Danny had to go.

"I have to go, I have to go I have to go!" wailed Danny.

So Mama parked the grocery carriage by the cheese department next to the bathroom and they went. Danny made sure to place both hands over his ears as mama flushed because he already knew that the bathrooms at the Hy-Vee grocery store at Q Street in West Omaha, Nebraska were the loudest bathrooms on Earth. It's true, ask anybody.

Still walking with his hands over his ears, they returned to the grocery carriage they had parked next to the cheese department, which was less a department, than a single case display.

"Look mama", said Danny, "What is that bright red cheese with the windmill on it?"

Mama looked, and read the label.

"It is Hoooode Oooode Goode cheese from Holland, with hugs and kisses from the cheese makers."
"Can we buy it?"
"Well, I don't know-it is awfully stinky."
"Can we have it? Can we have it? Can we have it?" Danny clamored.

Surely you know it is impossible to resist the lure of brightly waxed Hoooode Oooode Goode cheese festooned with a hand drawn windmill and a love letter from Holland.

And that is the story of how the Hoooode Oooode Goode cheese came to America, specifically the Hy-Vee grocery store on Q Street in West Omaha, Nebraska.

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