Saturday, May 02, 2015

Hood Ornament


Yeah, so this dress has issues. The silk is full of holes, and the beading on the sleeves is falling apart, but I couldn't resist wearing it once before I remove the chiffon and turn it into a sheath dress. 
The wind cooperated for some dramatic photos. Not pictured-getting my shoe caught in the hem and falling on my knees on the sidewalk in full view of everyone in the library. That was fun. Miraculously, the dress wasn't torn in the fall, though I wish I could say the same for the skin on my knees. 
 It was the monthly book sale at Swanson-the crowds can be terrible, so I came armed with my fart blaster.
"The Darwin awards, eh? Wonder what that's about..."
Oh, I see now. Why don't we just settle for Honourable Mention? Winning isn't everything, you know. 

I was waiting for some small child to ask if I was Elsa, so I could reply, " No, I'm Liz fucking Taylor for your information. Do I look like a Nordic blonde cartoon?! Where the hell is Dick when I need him?"

But no one asked, which is probably just as well. 
I don't have anger issues. 
Most days. 
Just today.
And yesterday.
And the day before.

Outfit Particulars:

Late 60's/Early 70's Gown (probably a "Mother of the Bride" dress) Hand-Me-Ups
Shoes-K Mart
Brooch-Can't remember
Earrings-K Mart

The past few days have been stressful/upsetting as I discovered several peanuts growing in my garden! At first, I figured the squirrel was raiding someone's birdfeeder in the neighbourhood and hiding  them in my garden, but a bit of research informed me that peanut shells (and in my case, whole peanuts in the shells) are being used in both mulch and potting soil. It is cheap, makes good filler, and unless you happen to have an allergic child, it is a good use of otherwise discarded material. I have no idea if it can contaminate pots, and even if we did dig out all the soil, it would be impossible to find anything else to use as all the manufacturers are doing this. Nut-free soil isn't a thing you can just go out and buy. Obviously, I'm not going to have Danny digging around in the garden, gloves or not. I need to get hold of his allergist on Monday to see if the plants themselves are safe, or if growing in the same soil is an issue. 

I might have been able to deal with that yesterday, but then as I was making dinner, I saw a car drive up in front, heard a loud bang, and saw a flash. The car raced away (I could hear squealing tyres, though I couldn't see anything as I hit the floor thinking it was gunfire. It sounded like the loud crack of handgun fire) and when I finally pulled myself up off the floor, I was a wreck. Mr. ETB heard people outside, so he asked if they heard anything. Laughing, the explained to him that it was something people put on their cars as a special effect! This was explained to him in a cloud of smoke as they'd been out there smoking spliffs, and by the time he returned, the house smelled like Woodstock.
To recap:
Garden is infested with peanuts.
Child is nut allergic.
There's a thing that makes cars sound like gunfire.
Neighbourhood kids are tea heads. 

It is going to be a loooong summer. Maybe I can run away. Anyone fancy a roomate house guest? I'm tidy, and can cook. And I have a fart blaster. 

I'd cry but it would fuck up my Liz-Taylor eyeliner. Mr. Door Owl looks defeated as well. 

But maybe owls just look that way.

There's a local weight loss programme called, the Owl Diet (Omaha Weight Loss). Danny thinks you lose weight by chasing after small rodents in the dark, and eating what you catch. I guess that would be an effective reducing plan. 

And one more thing, since I'm thinking about William Morris, and I posted a picture of his owl...

God, I wish this were a real product.

If anyone knows of a peanut/nut free garden soil, please let me know. And an industrial strength air freshener.


ThriftyParka said...

Hello from Canader. You are my new hero, eh?

Goody said...

Welcome, Thrifty Parka.

Bibi said...

Namaste from Nepal.
Bhat Bhateni? (means 'Have you eaten rice today?' a common greeting in Asia, pronounced 'Bought botany?)
I think I saw that dress on a Lawrence Welk episode while visiting my grandparent's house in the early '70's (and I mean that in the best way possible.) I never would have thought of a fart blaster as the perfect accessory for a silk & chiffon dress, but I have to say IT WORKS!
Peanuts in potting soil? Well, they are 'nitrogen fixing' legumes. Could you not buy some aged steer manure & perlite & use them to 'amend' your garden soil for potting use?
Faux gunfire is now a special effect for cars. I am dreading my next visit to the US already.
Wm Morris tampons sound fab, although those pictured look a bit more Crabtree & Evelyn than Wm Morris.
I wish I had a fart blaster.
Toodle pip!

Goody said...

The Lawrence Welk show is where I get all my fashion ideas. If I could find Danny a pastel lavender tux, I'd force him to wear it!

Sue said...

Well Liz don't you look farking gorgeous in that frock!! Elsa my arse, but kids are obsessed with that Frozen movie, well the little girls are anyway. You and your fart blaster are welcome here any day, think of the havoc that could be caused!!

Mim said...

Hooray for the return of the fart blaster! I bet that dress will look fab when it's adapted, splendid as it is now.

I hope it's good news from Danny's allergist - using peanuts in compost sounds very odd, and not something I'd have expected either.

Curtise said...

Yes, by all means come and stay at ours, as long as you bring that beauty of a dress as a gift for me...
Oh no, the peanut situation is a worry. Local kids being stoned is less of a concern - at least they'll be too idle to rob you.
I want those tampons. xxx

Goody said...

I don't get the Disney obsessions with some kids. I've already made it clear I will not be visiting "The Happiest Place on Earth", and that if Danny wishes to go, he can take himself.

It is interesting just how easily peanuts will grow in our northern climate (I would think of them as a more southern crop). I wish I didn't have to discover this personally, but for anyone wanting to have a try at growing them, they seem to be a simple legume to grow.


That dress tried to kill me-I couldn't possibly let you risk it! I'm amazed I didn't break any bones.

If I weren't so stupidly allergic to cats, I'd be on your doorstep!