Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monsters vs. Prime Ministers
Starring: Prime Minister Harper...and Monsters!
Mr. Harper Officially welcomes Gort the Robot to Ottawa: "Oh, well yes that's fine that you went to Calgary first."
But the Hydra wants a hat(s) too:
"Well really now, you keep losing them-you can't expect the city to keep handing out honorary hats if you keep losing them when you grow your head back. That's fiscally irresponsible. Really, you need to take that up with them, but for all the oil money in Alberta, they still can't be handing out hats to every monster that stops by to say hello and skeletalise a cow. Er...cattle. They're called "cattle." I think. Cattle? That's the proper term then? Right. Cattle. They might give you one hat, but I do think three are out of the question.
The Japanese ambassador wants to discuss mad cow disease in Canadian beef exports:
"Canadian beef is absolutely safe to eat, though we do recommend cooking it to a safe internal temperature. With your fire breathing capabilities that shouldn't be much of an issue. So...how's Mothra these days? Do send our regards.
The Liberal leader drops by:
"Look Iggy, I don't have time for your nonsense, I'm lousy with monsters at the moment...perhaps you failed to notice."
Mr. Harper addresses ecological issues:
"Well who told you to go near the sands in the first place? I mean, really now-you're a creature, a monster at that, you should know better. It is all fine and well to be looking out for the stupid migratory birds, but honestly, I thought you monsters could look out for yourselves. Oh yes, so tough when it comes to dragging swimmers out of the water, but put them near some oil sands and they're all "Oh...ewwww... I got dirty! Go get your NDP friends to scrub you off."
Mr. Harper on the nuclear threat:
Look Mr. Gort...that's your name? Gort? Is that Spaceman for "I have horrendous manners?" I thought so. As I was saying, Canada does not have nuclear ambitions. You really do need to stop pounding my head now-that really isn't polite and Canadians value polite behaviour above...pretty please, stop pounding my head? That really isn't terribly polite. You leave me no choice but to summon the RCMP...and they're bringing stun guns..
Mr. Harper on Tourism:
Why yes, we have tall buildings, why do you ask? Our women? Just lovely, lovely, lovely women. Well I don't know what you mean by "good screamers" but if it something American women do, then I'm sure our Canadian women can scream every bit as convincingly as their American counterparts. You're not actually a king are you? You're a monkey!