Tuesday, July 29, 2014

About Three Dozen Gweneth Paltrows in Expensive Cotton Shirts Sucking Fermented Compost Heaps Through Oversized Straws

I knew at that moment I couldn't deal with buying a phone if I had to queue in that environment. There's stuff I can do...and stuff I can't. Mall+West Omaha pretentions...it was too much. I'll keep the cheap phone I add minutes to every three months. It was enough to make a woman want to get as far away from here as possible to a slow boat to...
Midtown, where the only thing we'd use kale for is a garden ornamental. I have no problem with kale in landscaping, it is frost resistant and can add much needed colour to a garden. I just wouldn't want to drink it. Raw. It was all enough to make a woman want to run off and...

 
Join the Coast Guard. I tried convincing Danny to take my picture in front of the recruiting office, but he was too embarrassed. Clutching your guts on the Gastro's lawn for a photo is OK, but not the Coast Guard. I think he was secretly concerned I might sign on.
Frankly, I don't think they'd want me as I suffer from motion sickness, and I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about rescuing people who went out to sea in bad weather. I know they can't just tell people, "You made your bed, lie in it" but I'd sure be annoyed if I had to go risk life and limb to save someone that ignored warnings. I'm glad we have such dedicated people in the Coast Guard, but I wouldn't want to do their jobs. Anyway, I look more like Scuppers the Sailor Dog than a proper Captain.
 Or maybe Julie the Cruise Director...
Or if Curtise's theory that I'm unconsciously dressing as the entire Royal family is correct, maybe...
I could wear the hat better, I'm certain.

Outfit Particulars:

80's Nautical jacket-Goodwill
70's Act II Polyester skirt-Goodwill
Blue t-shirt-K Mart
50's Niello bracelet-Thrift World
50's brass bangle-Hand-Me-Ups
70's Handbag-Thrifted (can't remember)
Signet ring-Mum's (no idea where she got it as there's no one we know of with a "B" name. Another mystery!)
White granny shoes-Goodwill (I am in LOVE with these)
70's medallion necklace-Hand-Me-Ups

 But who was, "B"? I want to know why this was in my mum's things when she died, and no one can tell me. Ooooh, I'm sure it was a good story too!
 No foot-on-vanity pose today I'm afraid, will a step-stool do?
And now, the moment we've been waiting for...

Hummingbird I mean,
Herman. We harvested his friend Hermione too...
 Rockabye Herman, on the tree-top when the wind blows I'll...
...bake you in a lasagna. Don't argue with me Herman, you know you can't be a calzone. What are you going to do, run off and join the Coast Guard?
July isn't usually lasagna weather, but I'm taking advantage of this cold snap to get Herman baked into something luxurious. Hermione will go in a salad. No kale.

2 comments:

pastcaring said...

See? SEE? You clearly do have royal tendencies, I bloody knew it! You just need a headscarf and to flick the Vs at so e reporters, and you've got Princess Anne nailed too.
Kale. Ugh. Vile stuff.
Now I am intrigued by the B signet ring. A secret love? Is it stolen? A mysterious relative Who Must Remain Nameless (though obviously the name began with B)? B for Black Sheep of the Family?
Loving the nautical jacket, the satisfyingly chunky bracelet, and of course Herman. He'd be in a melanzane alla parmigiana if he was mine. But lasagna's good too! xxxx

Helga said...

O, fark, I am CHOKING over that post title!!!!
Kale?! It is not a food group! No one touchs kale here. Like turnips and swedes, it's animal fodder.UGH.
That ring is quite splendid. It looks like a prop from Electric Six' "High Voltage" video! Very Lord of the Manor...and YOU are the lady! O YES!
What IS going on with Gweneth the meneth?! She's turned into some sort of guru of wealth and grass eating and it's a bit off putting. I blame that pink frock she won her Oscar in.
XXX