Sunday, November 23, 2014

Gag Gift or Fake It, Until You Make It?

Well there's something I didn't know I needed. This isn't just any old fake vomit, but jumbo fake vomit because this is America, and like everything from our SUV's to our cupcakes has to be huge. It's in the Constitution, look it up under Article two, section five, "Fake Vomit Act of 1973". *
Christmas is in full swing before we've hit Thanksgiving. I figured if I was going to get an opportunity to wear this tulip skirt before spring, I'd better hurry. Fa la la la la.
Caught a little elf doing mischief. You know that trick where you stuff tissues into the toe of someone's shoe and watch them try to put their foot in the shoe?
He was steamed like a Christmas pudding!

Here's the .99 cent skirt. It has a very large sweep, so I wore my poofiest petticoat with it. I like it, and I'll wear it, but it was shocking to see how badly made it was. The hem is so poorly stitched it will be down after a few wearings, and the edges of the fabric are fraying. I don't expect finished hems complete with hem tape, but they could do better. Anyway, I won't grumble at .99 cents, but I feel sorry for the person that paid regular price for it retail.

That's three layers of tulle and lace under there. It was a bit long for this skirt, so I rolled it up from the waist. A little bulky, but it worked well enough. Sometimes you have to improvise.

Yesterday, was the annual Omaha Weavers Fibre Arts Show. I came home with alpaca socks, a beautiful scarf and hat, and this little cashmere fellow for Danny...

The bottle of Tweed was a lucky find at the sale next door (the "Bling Art Sale"). I didn't buy any art, but 1/8th ounce vintage perfume oil was a helluva good deal for six dollars. Now I can smell like my Grandmother Alice.
 Later, we found a new Homco Industries friend for the kitchen owls.
 The owl looks displeased with his new wall-mate.

How about a cookbook that looks like it was designed by Lily Pulitzer? 
Oh dear.
 I finally gave my Donegal Tweed jacket a wear this weekend. It is  substantial and could easily replace a coat in all but the worst weather.
 Wearing tweed to the show obviously tricked the Universe into presenting me with a bottle of Lentheric Tweed. Wouldn't it be great if you really could will your thrifting finds to happen? Or the lottery?
Getting dressed since this latest chapter of, "Will it ever be over?" (looking unlikely) has been a challenge. I've had to resort to shoes a size larger to accommodate the swelling, and knee socks to help compress the legs. Nothing, and I mean nothing will make you feel older than comfort shoes and compression socks. Just when I was getting used to things, my arms started to swell (it is obviously working to my head, which I'm told is already swelled so in theory it should all be over soon). And bruise. Pretty much every joint in my body straight to my jaw. I'm not worrying about dressing my jaw because I never smile anyway. Get off my lawn...but first help me pull off this sock. Its kinda tight. I gained five pounds from all the Prednisone and swelling and as far as I can tell it has been about 2 1/2 pounds in each ankle. Now you can get off my lawn.

I got that bracelet off just in the nick of time. A few minutes more and it would have required a saw-that's how fast the swelling has been. If I'd have lost my cinnabar bangle, there would have been some bad language. Anyway, no bangles for a while. 
 I dressed like a woodpecker. Henceforth this Pendelton kilt shall be known as the, "Red Bellied."
Yes, his head IS red, but the Red Headed Woodpecker is different.

Outfit Particulars:

Tulip Skirt-Hand-Me-Ups
Green Top-K Mart
Petticoat-Wahoo Thrift Store
Shoes-some German comfort shoes where the only word in English is, "Survival" printed on the sole. I'm sure Mel Brooks could come up with a joke for that.
Green Coat-Thrift World
Floral hat-Goodwill
Handbag-Jenerations, Crossroads Mall, Omaha

Donegal Tweed Jacket-Hand-Me-Ups
Lurex and angora poloneck-Kohls
Black skirt-Sears (ages ago)
Wool lace-look shawl-Can't remember, had it for ages

Pendelton Red Bellied kilt-Goodwill
Black top-K Mart
Cardigan-Marshall Field's 90's
Stranded pearls-Thrift store in Boston (can't remember)
Snowflake brooch-Hand-Me-Ups
Snowflake Earrings-K Mart

Thanksgiving is Thursday, and that's when our (artificial) tree goes up. It was a good way to keep Danny busy when he was little (and out of the kitchen as I cooked) but we still designate it as decorating day. After that...whoosh! With two holidays, two birthdays, and all the little events in-between (St. Nicholas night, St. Lucia, etc.) it is going to be a race through to January. I'm enjoying my last few days of calm before the storm, and I am still so glad I decided to skip the Christmas cake and pudding this year. With my hands now the size of baseball gloves, I won't be making the Christmas cards this year (I got two done before this started)but 75% of Danny's quilt is done, so when the nonsense subsides, I can do the quilting part in warp speed. I took him to the quilt shop to select the batting, and he went for a good, heavyweight cotton which will age well as it settles in. I hate the way puffy synthetic fibre quilts look, but they are so much faster and easier to quilt. The cotton is nice, any leftovers can be used for some quilted placemats.
I'm also back in my old glasses as I can't tolerate the weight of the others on my face right now. That's OK-they look appropriately festive, even if I don't.

All right peoples, thanks for the patience with my rambly all over the place stream-of-consciousness post (sort of like if Kerouac had lived to blog, but with more fashion, and less travel and cheap wine. Personally, I preferred Burroughs. Now he would have been all over blogging and tweeting. Naked Lunch really should have been a pop-up book. Yeah, I think we need to draw this thing to a close, so...
Have a good Thanksgiving if you celebrate it, and I don't see you before Thursday **

* That's in the super-secret-smart people's Constitution. Not everyone gets to see that.
** For my UK readers, that's when you got rid of be thankful!


Sue said...

The tulip skirt is divine, as is the hat you wore with it. Once more you had me laughing at comfort shoes and compression stockings! I am doing the comfort shoe thing at the moment due to my 'joggers heel', such a daft name for someone that doesn't even jog!! My god you have a busy old time ahead of you. I have TOFs birthday on the 23rd of December and then Christmas, I think I get off lightly compared to you. My tree goes up on the 1st, that is about as Christmassy as I get!!

Asparagus Pea said...

We are just thankful we have Hurricane Goody in our lives - puffy or not! Have a good one xxx

Curtise said...

So the awful the saga is continuing then... Compression socks, oh dear. You are bearing it all with great humour, or at least you are here on the blog. In Real Life, you might be about to explode with misery and frustration. But at least there is fake puke, some pretty tulips, and a cashmere squirrel.
If wearing a tweed jacket was a way of cosmically ordering Tweed perfume, then maybe it's a case of being careful what you wear/wish for. Surely it doesn't smell good, does it? I remember the Tweed adverts here in the UK...
Maybe Tweed will prove to be the magic elixir which makes you feel better. Worth a try! xxx

Goody said...


Well...what do you suppose might happen if I wear YSL Opium?
Tweed doesn't smell like wet wool. Maybe *slightly sheep-y* but in the best sort of way. Love it or hate it I guess (I'm the former).

"Thar she blows! A great white whale!" is more like it ;)

Ah, so you know the fun of a Birthday celebration in the middle of Christmas too. But we have to do something special, don't want them feeling overshadowed on their special day, do we? I wonder if there would be tears if I stuck a candle in a Christmas pudding and served it?
Take care of your jogger's heel-that must hurt. You can't really walk on tip-toes to avoid you heal, can you?

Bibi Maizoon said...

(Shuddering at the thought of a Naked Lunch pop up book.)
Comfort shoes & compression hose were my daily attire when I was a practicing pharmacist. Talk about sexxy!
In case of a shortage of whortleberry twigs -that floral hat with some candles shoved in it might serve you well on St Lucia's day.
In any case, have a Happy T-giving!

Jayne H said...

I'm loving the cashmere squirrel and particularly impressed with his list of interests. Your new raccoon on the wall looks beside himself to be there. - I may have named both those animals incorrectly. . . .
You are looking good in your comfort shoes and compression socks.
I remember Lentheric Tweed and I'm sure I owned a bottle - gosh I must be very old x

Mim said...

Just imagine, somewhere there's a factory doing turning out splats of fake vomit. I wonder what the people working on it think?!

That's an excellent raccoon; he looks very smug. The Tweed was a fantastic find too.

Have a great Thanksgiving! (Hopefully with less swelling.)

Helga said...

Jaysus, that HAT!!! To die for fabularse!
Bahaha, I am all over that fake vom! Huge is right! Jeez, you lot like 'em big! I could have a lot of fun with some fake vom at work.
Mmmm, I spy red plaid and a divoon green coat and some foxy beads! You sing my song, baby!
I actually think Thanksgiving is the ONLY worthwhile holiday. Wish we did it here, instead of all the fake shite. I like to celebrate it anyway, because being thankful is important.
Please send your elf my way, I ahve some people whom I would like to anny in a very serious fashion, and a little help would be awesome. Thanks. I'll treat him well.

Goody said...

The thought of lit candles on my head (much less in my favourite hat)gives me the creeps.

Tweed is still around, but the company was purchased and I'm told the new scent isn't the same. You are NOT old.
The squirrel is more sophisticated than I am.

Danny thinks the raccoon looks allergic, like he's scratching at his throat. Sometimes I wonder what future civilisations will think when they unearth our crap (that won't ever decompose). "Oh look, a ceremonial fake vomit object!"

Goody said...

I'll send you the kid, but you have to promise you won't return him until after the teenage crap is done and over with.

Propagatrix said...

I covet that coat. You're just lucky that I'd never be able to wear it in San Francisco, because the fur protesters would paint-bomb me.

Thank you for reminding me of Luciatag. I still have plenty of time to rig up an LED candle crown to freak out my husband. And since it falls on a Saturday, the buns might just get made this year.

Goody said...

The town where we lived a dozen years before moving to the city was almost entirely Swedish (except for us). St. Lucia is a *Big Deal*. It was the only place I ever lived that had a yearly shipment of lingonberries flown in so the entire town would have fresh berries to go with the lutefisk at Christmas.
LED lights would be a huge improvement for whichever poor little girl gets the honour of being Lucia that year!

Yeah, you should do all you can to freak out your husband now, because after 25 years or so, you'll be lucky if he notices a wreath and lights on your head (mine wouldn't notice).