Hello, Ghost of Christmas Past here guest-blogging for the old broad you typically see in this space. So anyway, Christmas past. I know I'm supposed to bang on about regret, and missed opportunities, and a load of other things you're supposed to learn from but fuck that, it ruins Christmas.
I forgot to mention, I'm the "Former Ghost of Christmas Past" because I was sacked for...what did the Personnel office call it again...oh yeah, an "Attitude Problem" Yeah well, fuck 'em. Right. Sure, I might have sampled the Christmas cakes a bit prematurely as well but I'm a ghost, you know I can't eat that much-it gives me the shits. Hey, I just passed
Christmas. They said I was crude as well.
Remember that year when your mum mixed up a pitcher of Bloody Marys that only she'd be drinking and you spiked it with an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce?
She deserved it
That wasn't a nice thing to do and I'm supposed to help you learn to be a better person. Next time, you'll spike it with more vodka, like a good eight year old. That way, she'll be so plastered by noon she won't notice you've slipped away to the cinema with her money and a wedge of Stilton. I'm glad we're having this little chat about your lifetime of fuck-ups at Christmas.
The Ghost is wearing:
Sparkly gold top-K Mart
TuTu- Target (in the fat kid's department)
Vera Bradley handbag-Goodwill
Faux lamb jacket-Hand-Me-Ups
Brooch on coat-Goodwill
Brooch on sweater-Antique shop in Boston
Gold plastic bangle-Goodwill
Fragrance-Vintage perfume concentration Crepe de Chine
Scrooge bought a case of Christmas oranges. It is so cold here, they're wearing hats and ear muffs.
Oh shit, here comes the Ghost of Christmas Future!
Hi. I'm the Ghost of Christmas
Hookah Hygge Future. In the future we'll all be lighting candles, wearing Scandinavian knit cardigans, and eating Pulla. Oh, do I detect cardamom in the coffee?
I'm here to warn you about the tainted lingonberries, and to warn Lars that he's going to have an unfortunate wood chopping accident if he doesn't stop helping himself to your mum's pitcher of Bloody Marys.
The Ghost is Wearing:
Vintage wool skirt-Goodwill
90's cotton cardigan-Goodwill
Knit headband-K Mart
Vera Bradley handbag-Goodwill
Brooch on bag-Can't remember
Fragrance-Worth Pour Homme (because it smells like an evergreen in the woods)
Today's Cocktail (not a Bloody Mary)
16 oz. brandy 16 oz. red wine
16 oz. port
1 tablespoon chopped orange peel
1/4 pound cube sugar
1/4 pound raisins
5 cardamom pods
1 stick cinnamon
1/4 pound blanched almonds
Combine red wine and port in a saucepan over low heat. Add orange, cardamom, cinnamon, and cloves tied in a cheesecloth. Simmer 20 minutes, then remove spice bag. Place cubes of sugar in a metal strainer atop saucepan. Set brandy aflame and pour over sugar to carmelise. Serve in heated mugs. The recipe didn't mention when to add the almonds, so perhaps you're just expected to eat them?
Goody will be back after she finishes baking the Stollen. Now, go do something nice for a change so I don't have to come wake you in the middle of the night to deliver a heavy handed lecture on not being an asshole.